Strange sometimes how the memories of the hospitality of your loved once once, haunts you. You keep running away from the dark days which were once very good, once when you were in love and once when you were good. My dreams are filled with horrors of something bad yet to happen but somehow, when i discuss it, it doesn't seem so scary.
That scares me. Am i losing it? Or am i just OK?
Bonfire with friends around seem like pits full of coal, sometimes in a happy occasion i stand alone and sulk. Why? they ask me and i pretend to be OK. Why do i pretend? I don't even have a reason to sulk? Winter blues?
running on the track early morning i saw this poor kid shivering on the grass, probably still asleep, or maybe dying. I keep me jacket on him or her, it too difficult to see into all the filth on a skinny bone and skin body. satisfied i jogged away. that night i was haunted by the dreams on this kid. I woke up scratching my body. It wasn't itching. Why does it happen to me? why is it happening to me?
Where i am can not be described. I'm stuck in these dreadlocks of a filthy world which i was born and the rest of it i created. The dreadlocks of unwashed world where love isn't respected and respect isn't loved. Am i one of them? The thought makes me puke. Makes me wander out alone at nights in the streets filled with prostitute's allure, dirty orgasms of drugs, violence and forgetful orgasms. then i sit alone at home watching movies of the same plot.
Its so dark all the time. In the morning its cloudy, its winter, its cold. One of the windows far away is open and standing is a beautiful girl with her hair still wet. She doesn't have clothes on. The winter sends me shivers for breakfast and she, she just seems to smile and love the freezing wind on her naked body. Her eyes closed, her smile so faint.....I just stand there looking at her wondering what makes her happy today? Don't you love her already?
She looked at me, her lips stopped smiling and for a moment our eyes met, and she was gone. She didn't come back for a long time after that. Everyday i would stand there fighting the cold breeze and wait for her.
I wonder if the filthy kid is still alive or if the knots of people's destiny are tied..Lets drive down to the sun and get some warmth in me, someone, anyone. Where is my last year and a year before that, how will this new year be? would i get stuck in an uncalled misery again in a happy party?
I entered the elevator and saw her inside. She saw me too, quickly glanced away and walked out without looking back. I had forgotten about her. That night i thought about her, the whole night i twisted and turned thinking about her. the next day i woke up without sleeping at all and stood at the balcony looking at the window. She came.
Hair wet, drops of water still caressing her body and rolling down, eyes closed, smile on her face. She opened her eyes, looked at me, smiled a little more...and then closed the curtains. I fought the temptation to go knock on her door. How can i be so foolish falling in a trap again. How can i let my past not teach me a grain.
I stood in the party alone and smiled at nothing and people came and smiled at me. I drove down the empty road feeling so happy again. I smoked a cigarette and the smell was tempting again. was i in love or was i falling again. Months went by and we would meet for that glance.
I met her again in the elevator.
"Hello" i said
"hello" she said looking straight ahead.
The elevator stopped and she went out and was standing by the road. I followed. 5 steps behind. My heart racing, my nerves jumping, my hands cold.
a car stopped, a guy came out and hugged her, and she hugged him too. they sat and she went away.
the next day she was there at the window. and the next day, and the next day and the next day.....i had fallen in love again.
For me to get out of this mess is to be alive again. there is something about this life, the sun, the moon, the window...They give you comfort only when they are far away.
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